SETTING YOUR BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries for yourself isn’t easy especially if you have never thought of setting boundaries or even thought you needed to.

I now feel comfortable about setting  boundaries. I certainly needed them. No one was around to pull me out a toxic relationship before I married into it, if others even noticed. Who is to say that anyone will get involved if I were to get involved in any type of relationship that could possibly be toxic again? I cannot depend on anyone to look over my shoulder and say, “Hey, you know, I don’t think this guy is the right guy for you.” I need to first be educated on what is right or wrong for myself.

I am so tired of head games. Anytime I feel deep within that something is not right, I will have to practice to walk away.  It’s not healthy to stay just because you feel guilty or sorry for anyone.  The faster you cut ties with someone you know is not the right fit the better off you are.

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Healthy Boundaries mean  boundaries understood by everyone. Never feel like you are hurting anyones feelings by your boundaries. Absolutely no one should be angry or upset by practical and understandable boundaries. If someone does not understand, then they know where you stand and you have saved yourself from many years of disrespect and abuse. Your boundaries should be accepted and understood by all those who want to be in your life otherwise, they know where the door is. Don’t be afraid to show them the “EXIT” sign.

I personally never heard the words phrased “I am sorry” all by itself.  It was ALWAYS “I’m sorry IF” ….. That is not an apology in my book but for 30+ years, although never comfortable about it, I gave in.

If your boundaries are broken constantly it’s purposely done. Believe it or not, toxic people have their boundaries and you would think they would respect others and their boundaries!  Abusers don’t care about anyone else’s boundaries. They believe they are above it all and can get away with anything because they find themselves to be so special. Don’t give into that! Giving them the green light to do as they please, because you didn’t stand your ground, will have them just blame you for their behavior!

STAND YOUR GROUND!!!  Be strong Say the word NO A TRILLION TIMES in the mirror if you have to before getting involved with anyone! Get comfortable with that word! It protects YOU! Trust in yourself! Believe in yourself! Take the responsibility to shield yourself from toxic people who look to ruin the lives of others only because they are so ruined inside themselves! You cannot heal them by being there for them. I know that first hand! I am not trying to be mean or discourteous to people who have major behavioral disorders, but they live their lives just fine. They feel nothing is wrong with them and do not feel the need to seek help. But they will ruin your life so keep away!

Make a List for yourself.  This aids in helping yourself remember what didn’t make your previous relationship work for you. OR if you have not dated yet, THEN MAKE SURE you start by never dating anyone who treats you any other way but respectful. Everyone should have a list of boundaries.

Here are a few to start you off:

  1. NO Name calling
  2. IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE Demeaning
  3. THERE WILL NOT BE ANY Lying
  4. NO Cheating
  5. NO Pornography
  6. Lateness, In Calling or in Meeting Up (IF NOT ON TIME YOU LEAVE or don’t pick up the phone if you cannot)
  7. Being on the phone while together is disrespectful
  8. MUST Give clear explanations to questions asked (I never got a straight answer)
  9. When making plans or decisions, BOTH should always be involved and it should always be appreciated.

Add to this list and make it yours.

One party cannot take more control over the relationship than the other. Every one should have their say and play their own part and be comfortable. Each should put in their 100%. If you feel you are putting in your 100% and  then some you have to know the balance is off and YOU should be off and on your way.

BE GOOD TO YOU!!

YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! 

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!! 

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!

God Bless You!!

 

 

 

Knowledge is Power

You’ve heard the saying, Knowledge is power, haven’t you? Well, I can’t express how true those words are.  As a kid, I enjoyed reading. I always had summer reading assignments followed by book reports before school started. As crazy as it seems, I did not hate it. My summers were full of friends, fun, reading and writing.

In the 90’s, after getting married, we purchased our first PC, a huge, heavy monitor. It was like the whole world opened all its doors for me . I was in awe! My curiosity made me seek whatever came to mind, anything I could think of to look up or investigate and the answers were all there!!

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For years, come to think of it, even before I was married, I have been manipulated and lied to and discarded and demeaned and belittled all in such a way that I believed it to be because I somehow caused this reaction towards me. I was discarded and punished and I was always afraid to ask why the silent treatment because I knew somehow I would get an answer that I did something wrong. It was like being a child all over again.  I just never felt I did anything right. Even though I was feeling that way, there were times that I felt loved and my needs were being attended to by a kindness that I sometimes saw. That’s the problem, it was only sometimes when I saw this kindness and it was usually when it was for something wanted in return or the need to look good in front of others.   I always felt uncomfortable and ashamed. I never understood how to make things right or better. I kept feeling the need to explain myself  in detail….The reason why I said what I said, why I did what I did, why I made what I made, why I bought what I bought…… Nothing I said seemed to sit right and every day was worse than the next. I felt I was losing everything….. My self-esteem, my confidence, MY MIND! I had no idea where to turn or who to talk to thinking that everyone else is looking at me and judging me the same way and I would be wrong in whatever I do or say in their eyes too. I was too embarrassed to speak about it. I lived in fear of always saying something wrong or offensive.

 

About 20 years go by, and I don’t know what made me do it, I pick up my laptop and  I “Google” the question, “Why do I feel like it’s always my fault?” When I pressed the “return” button, the feeling  was exactly like the time when buying our first PC. Once again, the whole world opened doors I never knew existed!  Page after page the words, Emotional abuse, Narcissism, and Psychological Abuse came up.  I could not, and really, would not believe that this was happening to me! ABUSE??? ME???? WHAT??? NO WAY!!! I must have rephrased the question so many different ways but the same articles would show up. I began to plunge in and read article after article. Writing notes  was essential since many of the terminology used were new to me and I wanted to make sure it was befitting for my “research” . I was lucky enough to be able to spend the time I did that day on my laptop reading all these articles and writing notes. That was the day I finally opened my eyes and realized what has been going on with me for so many years. But it took me a lot longer for me to realize that it has been happening since before we were married. Now that I had the knowledge, I had to know more.  Organizing my thoughts from what I read. I still had many unanswered questions. I pursued looking on-line and going to the library for answers. I kept learning and understanding more and more why I felt what I felt and understanding the personality disorder. Knowing what I know today is helping get through what I am going through right now. I try not to have anything that is said or done surprise me anymore. I will write about all that another time.

For almost 10 years I have done nothing but study Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There are so many levels and degrees of this disorder that I would try to pinpoint what I was dealing with as well as which type of abuse I was enduring. One article made me curious about another topic and I started another research. I went on to so many different sites, one better than the next with information that pinpointed my life story to a T!  Made me realize I was not the one who was failing the marriage or relationship. I was the one having the relationship. Well, I was more sad than I was angry.  Everything I was reading was very difficult to read. Knowing I really was not loved. The only kind of love shown was when it was conditional. I had problems believing half of what I was reading. I still could not believe any human being could be cold and calculated and act as though they were the most upstanding citizen in the world! It was like a see-saw in my brain!  But as the years went on, I SAW what I was not seeing and not believing! Reading all that I had read educated me. I never realized how ignorant I was when it came to knowing what people can be like. I began regaining my self-esteem and confidence and it was not welcomed. I had to smile because I had read that it would not be. That’s when  everything  just became worse. I wasn’t accepting anymore excuses, lies, or manipulations. As I regained more of my confidence and self-esteem, the relationship kept dying. I needed to regain my self-control. I became angry all the time! That wasn’t good for me anyway you look at it. It made me sick and it gave way to more demeaning and belittling. So, I looked up how to control my feelings and emotions with abusers. Once again, I was back on track.  I felt good for the first time knowing that I was free from the grip of control! But it doesn’t last long. Somehow, when there is no care for anyone other than self, they just know which buttons to push and when to push them. Cold and calculated. THEY SIMPLY DON’T CARE! There is no other way to say it! They don’t care about anyone, anything, other than themselves. If they get nothing out of it, they want nothing to do with it. Period!

So, I am here to tell you to research what you are dealing with. There are so many ways. Go to the library, use the computer, pick out books. Read and write notes wherever you can.  You will be the only person to know what is important enough to write down. Terminology is vital for what you are dealing with. You will be lead from one book to another or one website to another only by curiosity. Be proactive. It will help with the healing! I promise you! It also will become  easier to tell someone what you are going through who will listen. Don’t go through this alone like I did. If you can’t tell a relative or a friend you can trust and you want to seek a therapist, then seek a therapist. Seeking a therapist is self-help! But PLEASE…. Don’t be afraid to tell someone …. make sure you know exactly how to explain it even if you need to read it right off the website for clarity.Make copies of what you read and bring them where you need to be heard.  It is very important that you understand WHAT is happening to you, HOW it happened to you, and WHY. Without  information, you will not be able to heal. It’s that important!

BE GOOD TO YOU!!

YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! 

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!! 

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!

God Bless You!!

STEPPING STONES

There are lessons to be learned after being in an abusive relationship. You almost want to thank them (not really). But somehow, it changes you. Personally, my experience has made me more angry where it was almost out of control. This sort of anger was being directed at objects (slamming doors, etc.) as well as people, who, I thank God, understood and STILL supported me.  I knew  being in this state was not at all beneficial to my well-being. I felt more alone than ever.  After giving myself enough time to blow off the steam that had been building up for so many years, I knew I had to  redirect this anger and use it in a more productive way.  Today, the fire still burns inside me but the flames are burning in a new direction. It is giving me the energy needed to continue making a difference I need to make for myself and others.

You Need The Courage To Stand Up To Yourself!

Forgive yourself now! Just because you have been so good to others and have given benefit of doubt, and you’re good-hearted ways have given others chances beyond  what you even give yourself, does not mean you now can allow yourself to hate yourself for the rest of your life! Take a step back. See the good in you. Never stop seeing that good in you! That is the first step! Love yourself for who you are! See the real you! Now, give yourself a fresh NEW start, don’t change…. Enhance.                                                               It’s now time to set your boundaries!

Be Honest with Yourself

No one likes to be lied to. What’s worse, is when you lie to yourself and we begin to believe our lies because we want to feel better about ourselves. We all do it.                  This is when insecurities need to be addressed. We are all human and we all have insecurities.   Thinking about our insecurities makes us anxious. Yet, in order to break away from them, they need to be addressed, understood, and accepted.  Don’t be ashamed of them! STOP self-judging! The only way to push past these insecurities is to stop being afraid.  Fear is what holds us back from being confident and in control. Confront your fears and work on the insecurities that hold you back. You can do it! You know how!  Remember, You are in control of YOU!!

Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

That’s just torture! You are who YOU are! No one else can be you! Stop thinking you are not as smart, or as competent, or as capable! YOU ARE smart! YOU ARE competent! YOU ARE capable!!!  Let me tell you something, I am always finding myself with people who are always tooting their own horn. You know, the kind that says, “I’m the head of the department AND everyone is afraid of me, HA-HA-HA“. That kind. I know WAY TOO many! OH PLEASE!  I often don’t like to be with people who do that because my OWN self-esteem does not allow me to feel comfortable with how much more confident I think they are than I! But guess what I realized after being with them for so many years?  I saw that it was a pattern for them! It was a constant reassurance for their own sake of how they are perceived through the eyes of others.  It is a temporary fix to make themselves feel better about themselves. They struggle with their own self-esteem! Imagine that! Don’t be fooled by the way others overwhelm conversations with their “greatness”.  You can listen, smile, and remember you are just as great without worrying about having to tell the entire world because you have your modesty not have to flaunt what others feel they need to. That is Confidence!

Confidence Comes From Within

I always say, I want to live a very simple life. Sounds boring and basic… but it is basic I would like to return to. This is where I will find myself again. Connect my mind with my soul and become one with myself.  There is a certain amount of self-discipline and modesty in us that gives us the confidence. As long as we are honest and loyal with ourselves and others, it shows the integrity in us. Once you are honest with yourself, it becomes easier to be honest with others. Assertiveness comes from believing in honesty, humility and loyalty first to yourself and then others.

 

Be Respectful To Yourself

Kindness, compassion, caring, courtesy, and love. If we can do all this for others we can for ourselves as well.  We need inner peace.   Fully accepting ourselves and forgiving ourselves has us become one with ourselves again. Committing ourselves to making sure we don’t think poorly of ourselves. Self judgement causes pain and sometimes unexplained anger. We need to love and accept everything about ourselves, UNCONDITIONALLY! When we have self-love we have everything. Give yourself the chance like you give others the chance. You deserve it more than anyone does!

Have a Relationship With Yourself

Enjoy your own company by doing the things YOU like doing.  Put your whole self into everything you like doing. Remember how good it feels to be doing the things you love and feel comfortable doing. Be as prideful, imaginative, and creative as you want to be. This is how to learn who you are, and to love yourself for who you are.  Plan a full day or more a week and dedicate it to you.  You first need to understand what makes you such a great person to be with. No one should ever feel the need to convince others how great they are. They should automatically see it. The only anyone sees it is if YOU see it first.

Never Lose Sight Of Your Boundaries 

We form relationships everyday. It’s important that we do. Without relationships, it would be hard to survive. It’s the kind of relationships that get formed that we become wary of.  After being in an abusive relationship, we tend to stop trusting everyone. That’s why we need to set boundaries for ourselves. What is on your “Violation List” you put together and have scotched taped on your walls? OH! You haven’t put one together yet? Well, you better get started then! Perhaps your sentences should start like this, “I will not tolerate…” or “My time is too precious to be spent on…” Make your boundaries clear to yourself even if you need to study them like you are studying them for an exam. having them in plain sight is not a bad idea. The reinforcement helps you never to lose sight of your boundaries. It is also important to write a list of the Important Qualities you seek in relationships. This is where it gets tricky except, I am using the word IMPORTANT.  I think the most important quality in any person is CONSISTENCY . Consistency is the key word. They need to be Consistently respectful… kind…  patient… caring…courteous… forgiving… responsible… loyal…generous… helpful… honest.

Even though this all feels so difficult and emotionally draining, and I admit, it is, it’s easier to go through than the abuse that you had to endure for so long.  Once you get started on stepping on one of the stones, you can’t help but step on the ones that follow.

YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! 

BE GOOD TO YOU!!

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!! 

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!

God Bless You!!

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

The person who dares to stand there

and  Verbally, Emotionally, Psychologically OR EVEN PHYSICALLY Abuse You

DOES NOT deserve Your time, Your space, OR be in Your life,

PERIOD!

Do you know why I write these posts?

Because I have been there.

And honestly speaking, I am STILL in it.

I will tell you more when I can speak more freely about it…. But in the meantime, this is my therapy. 

I am one to help others in need and are in the same shoes I walked in.

Don’t EVER feel the need to feel sorry for them! DON’T Think for one second that you are to blame!!!!!

 
You definitely KNOW when you have been emotionally abused. It’s very different from any other abuse. There is guilt, belittling, and projection of blame.  They will have you feeling responsible for their actions making it seem like it was you who made them act the way they did!! WRONG!!!!!  It’s not you!!  You most certainly know, deep down,  exactly what just happened because it happens all too often! Am I right?  I don’t know about you, but I always felt trapped. I couldn’t speak without already knowing the next abusive response. It was like speaking to a 2-year-old who was out of control! SO I WALK AWAY!
THEY are NOT interested in anything YOU have to offer. They are only interested  in  THEIR agenda! CONTROL!! They are like a machine constantly spewing whatever it can to hit you hard enough and shut you down. Don’t, don’t, don’t let this happen to you. Stop it as soon as you can. It is so emotionally draining! 

KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH!

Call it exactly what it is!   Lies!   Manipulation!

Don’t make excuses for their actions toward you or others. Stop thinking for them! They need to answer for themselves. They WILL repeat what they do! Their actions will be the same only in a different scenario! THE DRAMA is too much!

Don’t make the same mistake twice! If you’ve been through this, then you know this is a pattern.

Why make it a choice to stay?

Be good to yourself!

You Deserve Better!

YOU are in Control of YOU!!!

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!

God Bless You!!

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I’m mad!

I’m mad all the time!! It’s not fair! Why am I not the one smiling? Why am I not the one laughing or having fun? Why do I feel like I have a heavy burden on my shoulders from the moment I wake up in the morning?  I have EVERY reason to be mad! The cruelty! The abandonment of  partnership, relationship, LOVE!!  No matter how much I give in this relationship it is never going be enough! I always know more is expected of me and there is no escaping it!

I ALWAYS believe in putting in my full 100% into a relationship.  In an abusive relationship, the abuser will Always expect more than what is already being given! This is where it gets frustrating because no matter how much time and energy that is spent on them it is never enough!!

The meaning of the word “Relationship” to the emotional abuser, cannot be defined as sharing of their time and space with someone. THEY  don’t  SHARE ! They look for someone to do the sharing. THEY need the attention! They will take anyone who is willing to give the attention they seek, even for a short time. But the one having the relationship… is You!

We all know that being in this type of relationship, we’re angry all the time! With all the belittling, demeaning, and manipulation that has gone on for years, we self blame, and self criticize lowering our self-esteem. We feel so  ashamed. They have violated and played with our most sacred and genuine feelings. You never HAD to feel sorry for them, never HAD to feel guilty when you always did, and never had to take fault when it was THEIRS to take!

We hurt this unexplainable hurt, and it’s numbing and debilitating and destructive that we begin to neglect ourselves by abusing ourselves by over-eating, not eating, alcohol use, drug use, etc. It even becomes harder to walk into a shower.

It Is Now Time To Heal Yourself

I believe Self Forgiveness is the FIRST and most important step you can take to HEAL from EMOTIONAL ABUSE and help stop the feeling of shame. It’s YOUR peace of mind that can help you build back a relationship with yourself and others again. It is a healing like no other.

Self Forgiveness  helps you let go. We do find it in ourselves to forgive others and not harbor hatred, we CAN do it for ourselves too!!

BE GOOD TO YOU!!

YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! 

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!! 

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!

God Bless You!!

 

It’s Not You’re Fault!

IF YOU ARE HERE   because you just read the answer to the question you keep asking yourself, you are a victim of emotional abuse.

Where do I begin? First, I’d like to say, for years I have asked myself the very same question until I was able to “Google” the question and find the answers I have looked for, ten years ago. There is so much I want to say because there is so much I feel I NEED to say to define what you are going through. There are so many different types of abuse that can occur within the home.  Most times ALL abusers abuse behind closed doors. That is when their prey is most vulnerable . But, I’m sure you already knew that.

Let me ask you this… Have you ever felt you’ve had a REAL conversation with them? Was there ever a time you felt good about the conversation you’ve just had? Was it a feel-good, heart to heart talk? Was there ever a compromise? OR  Do you feel you struggle with your feelings after every conversation?  Always questioning yourself or putting yourself down because you felt embarrassed and afraid? Always try to look for different ways to explain yourself? HOW FRUSTRATING!!! Do you realize the only reason they begin to speak to you is only because they need to listen to themselves speak?  They only expect you to agree to everything they say and we do it! WHY? Because we are mentally and emotionally drained and want to keep the peace. We reluctantly raise that white flag and try to move on. Honestly? Moving on, each time, is like walking through mud!  

There are so many of us that are being emotionally abused and don’t  even know it!

The Emotional Abuser uses verbally abusive ways.  Verbal abuse isn’t always the typical degrading words you already know. There are verbal abusers that don’t use words that are typical unfavorable kind. This type of verbal abuse is more covert, it’s more in a manipulative and passive aggressive way.

Barrie Davenport, Life Coach, Teacher and Author has this perfectly summed up. And I quote:

“They use a subtle form of verbal abuse that infects people over time and slowly erodes their self-esteem, confidence, and trust. This kind of verbal abuse is so convoluted and disconcerting that it’s difficult to call it out and take action. Because it can’t be clearly defined, the recipient may believe she’s imagining it, or even worse, the cause of it.”

Grooming your mind to have full control. Full control means they can and will be able to do anything and say anything they want and get their way all the time without a thought to what happens to you. You exist only to serve them. Infuriating!

It’s all the subtleties of Belittling, Undermining, Put-downs, Blaming, Discounting, (Purposely) Forgetting, Controlling, Withholding, Trivializing, Demeaning, Humiliating, Intimidating, Ordering, Subtle Threats (divorce), that keeps us here.  A mind control that makes you feel you are gagged and in chains. You are deliberately being devalued. You are made to feel worthless! You start to feel you are slowly eroding away. You find yourself in a constant state of fear and insecurity. You are always anxious and depressed and unable to explain this to anyone!

In the exhausting and debilitating life that is lead, we are afraid to move away from where we are because WE FEAR no one will accept us. WE FEAR we aren’t good enough. WE FEAR we wouldn’t be able to support ourselves and the children because we are kept financially hostage. WE FEAR no one would ever believe what we’ve been through all these years and we will AGAIN be the one to look bad!

I am here because I have gone through this for so many years. I understand the struggles and frustrations.The scars are there and are very real and I believe it to be a constant reminder to keep away from those who feel so entitled. OUR LIVES belong to us! WE need to be happy with OUR lives with OURselves! NO ONE has any right to judge YOU as you pave your path away from this toxicity!

FORGIVE YOURSELF and begin to love yourself again!

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your own actions and NEVER the actions of anyone else!

It’s important to empower ourselves! Begin to understand our sense of self worth! Regain our confidence and organize our minds with set boundaries! Put up the walls necessary to protect ourselves and keep them there! Not be afraid to be an individual! Not have to worry about ever explaining ourselves to anyone! This is the way back to self respect! We deserve to be who we really are!

YOU are in Control of YOU!!

YOU Are Never Alone!!

God Bless You!!

WELCOME!!

I Want to Officially Welcome YOU back to YOU!

You have travelled a long and very difficult road and have sacrificed so much along the way.

Now, You’ve finally made that choice to reconnect with yourself again and setting new boundaries necessary to stay focused.  ALWAYS expect others to treat you with nothing less than respect, gentleness, praise and honor going forward.

You are now on Your Path to Healing and becoming the person you once were!!

Congratulations!!

 

YOU Are In Control Of YOU!!

YOU Are Never Alone!!

God Bless You!!