You’ve heard the saying, Knowledge is power, haven’t you? Well, I can’t express how true those words are. As a kid, I enjoyed reading. I always had summer reading assignments followed by book reports before school started. As crazy as it seems, I did not hate it. My summers were full of friends, fun, reading and writing.
In the 90’s, after getting married, we purchased our first PC, a huge, heavy monitor. It was like the whole world opened all its doors for me . I was in awe! My curiosity made me seek whatever came to mind, anything I could think of to look up or investigate and the answers were all there!!
For years, come to think of it, even before I was married, I have been manipulated and lied to and discarded and demeaned and belittled all in such a way that I believed it to be because I somehow caused this reaction towards me. I was discarded and punished and I was always afraid to ask why the silent treatment because I knew somehow I would get an answer that I did something wrong. It was like being a child all over again. I just never felt I did anything right. Even though I was feeling that way, there were times that I felt loved and my needs were being attended to by a kindness that I sometimes saw. That’s the problem, it was only sometimes when I saw this kindness and it was usually when it was for something wanted in return or the need to look good in front of others. I always felt uncomfortable and ashamed. I never understood how to make things right or better. I kept feeling the need to explain myself in detail….The reason why I said what I said, why I did what I did, why I made what I made, why I bought what I bought…… Nothing I said seemed to sit right and every day was worse than the next. I felt I was losing everything….. My self-esteem, my confidence, MY MIND! I had no idea where to turn or who to talk to thinking that everyone else is looking at me and judging me the same way and I would be wrong in whatever I do or say in their eyes too. I was too embarrassed to speak about it. I lived in fear of always saying something wrong or offensive.
About 20 years go by, and I don’t know what made me do it, I pick up my laptop and I “Google” the question, “Why do I feel like it’s always my fault?” When I pressed the “return” button, the feeling was exactly like the time when buying our first PC. Once again, the whole world opened doors I never knew existed! Page after page the words, Emotional abuse, Narcissism, and Psychological Abuse came up. I could not, and really, would not believe that this was happening to me! ABUSE??? ME???? WHAT??? NO WAY!!! I must have rephrased the question so many different ways but the same articles would show up. I began to plunge in and read article after article. Writing notes was essential since many of the terminology used were new to me and I wanted to make sure it was befitting for my “research” . I was lucky enough to be able to spend the time I did that day on my laptop reading all these articles and writing notes. That was the day I finally opened my eyes and realized what has been going on with me for so many years. But it took me a lot longer for me to realize that it has been happening since before we were married. Now that I had the knowledge, I had to know more. Organizing my thoughts from what I read. I still had many unanswered questions. I pursued looking on-line and going to the library for answers. I kept learning and understanding more and more why I felt what I felt and understanding the personality disorder. Knowing what I know today is helping get through what I am going through right now. I try not to have anything that is said or done surprise me anymore. I will write about all that another time.
For almost 10 years I have done nothing but study Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There are so many levels and degrees of this disorder that I would try to pinpoint what I was dealing with as well as which type of abuse I was enduring. One article made me curious about another topic and I started another research. I went on to so many different sites, one better than the next with information that pinpointed my life story to a T! Made me realize I was not the one who was failing the marriage or relationship. I was the one having the relationship. Well, I was more sad than I was angry. Everything I was reading was very difficult to read. Knowing I really was not loved. The only kind of love shown was when it was conditional. I had problems believing half of what I was reading. I still could not believe any human being could be cold and calculated and act as though they were the most upstanding citizen in the world! It was like a see-saw in my brain! But as the years went on, I SAW what I was not seeing and not believing! Reading all that I had read educated me. I never realized how ignorant I was when it came to knowing what people can be like. I began regaining my self-esteem and confidence and it was not welcomed. I had to smile because I had read that it would not be. That’s when everything just became worse. I wasn’t accepting anymore excuses, lies, or manipulations. As I regained more of my confidence and self-esteem, the relationship kept dying. I needed to regain my self-control. I became angry all the time! That wasn’t good for me anyway you look at it. It made me sick and it gave way to more demeaning and belittling. So, I looked up how to control my feelings and emotions with abusers. Once again, I was back on track. I felt good for the first time knowing that I was free from the grip of control! But it doesn’t last long. Somehow, when there is no care for anyone other than self, they just know which buttons to push and when to push them. Cold and calculated. THEY SIMPLY DON’T CARE! There is no other way to say it! They don’t care about anyone, anything, other than themselves. If they get nothing out of it, they want nothing to do with it. Period!
So, I am here to tell you to research what you are dealing with. There are so many ways. Go to the library, use the computer, pick out books. Read and write notes wherever you can. You will be the only person to know what is important enough to write down. Terminology is vital for what you are dealing with. You will be lead from one book to another or one website to another only by curiosity. Be proactive. It will help with the healing! I promise you! It also will become easier to tell someone what you are going through who will listen. Don’t go through this alone like I did. If you can’t tell a relative or a friend you can trust and you want to seek a therapist, then seek a therapist. Seeking a therapist is self-help! But PLEASE…. Don’t be afraid to tell someone …. make sure you know exactly how to explain it even if you need to read it right off the website for clarity.Make copies of what you read and bring them where you need to be heard. It is very important that you understand WHAT is happening to you, HOW it happened to you, and WHY. Without information, you will not be able to heal. It’s that important!
BE GOOD TO YOU!!
YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!!
YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!!
YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!
God Bless You!!