SETTING YOUR BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries for yourself isn’t easy especially if you have never thought of setting boundaries or even thought you needed to.

I now feel comfortable about setting  boundaries. I certainly needed them. No one was around to pull me out a toxic relationship before I married into it, if others even noticed. Who is to say that anyone will get involved if I were to get involved in any type of relationship that could possibly be toxic again? I cannot depend on anyone to look over my shoulder and say, “Hey, you know, I don’t think this guy is the right guy for you.” I need to first be educated on what is right or wrong for myself.

I am so tired of head games. Anytime I feel deep within that something is not right, I will have to practice to walk away.  It’s not healthy to stay just because you feel guilty or sorry for anyone.  The faster you cut ties with someone you know is not the right fit the better off you are.

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Healthy Boundaries mean  boundaries understood by everyone. Never feel like you are hurting anyones feelings by your boundaries. Absolutely no one should be angry or upset by practical and understandable boundaries. If someone does not understand, then they know where you stand and you have saved yourself from many years of disrespect and abuse. Your boundaries should be accepted and understood by all those who want to be in your life otherwise, they know where the door is. Don’t be afraid to show them the “EXIT” sign.

I personally never heard the words phrased “I am sorry” all by itself.  It was ALWAYS “I’m sorry IF” ….. That is not an apology in my book but for 30+ years, although never comfortable about it, I gave in.

If your boundaries are broken constantly it’s purposely done. Believe it or not, toxic people have their boundaries and you would think they would respect others and their boundaries!  Abusers don’t care about anyone else’s boundaries. They believe they are above it all and can get away with anything because they find themselves to be so special. Don’t give into that! Giving them the green light to do as they please, because you didn’t stand your ground, will have them just blame you for their behavior!

STAND YOUR GROUND!!!  Be strong Say the word NO A TRILLION TIMES in the mirror if you have to before getting involved with anyone! Get comfortable with that word! It protects YOU! Trust in yourself! Believe in yourself! Take the responsibility to shield yourself from toxic people who look to ruin the lives of others only because they are so ruined inside themselves! You cannot heal them by being there for them. I know that first hand! I am not trying to be mean or discourteous to people who have major behavioral disorders, but they live their lives just fine. They feel nothing is wrong with them and do not feel the need to seek help. But they will ruin your life so keep away!

Make a List for yourself.  This aids in helping yourself remember what didn’t make your previous relationship work for you. OR if you have not dated yet, THEN MAKE SURE you start by never dating anyone who treats you any other way but respectful. Everyone should have a list of boundaries.

Here are a few to start you off:

  1. NO Name calling
  2. IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE Demeaning
  3. THERE WILL NOT BE ANY Lying
  4. NO Cheating
  5. NO Pornography
  6. Lateness, In Calling or in Meeting Up (IF NOT ON TIME YOU LEAVE or don’t pick up the phone if you cannot)
  7. Being on the phone while together is disrespectful
  8. MUST Give clear explanations to questions asked (I never got a straight answer)
  9. When making plans or decisions, BOTH should always be involved and it should always be appreciated.

Add to this list and make it yours.

One party cannot take more control over the relationship than the other. Every one should have their say and play their own part and be comfortable. Each should put in their 100%. If you feel you are putting in your 100% and  then some you have to know the balance is off and YOU should be off and on your way.

BE GOOD TO YOU!!

YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! 

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!! 

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!

God Bless You!!

 

 

 

Knowledge is Power

You’ve heard the saying, Knowledge is power, haven’t you? Well, I can’t express how true those words are.  As a kid, I enjoyed reading. I always had summer reading assignments followed by book reports before school started. As crazy as it seems, I did not hate it. My summers were full of friends, fun, reading and writing.

In the 90’s, after getting married, we purchased our first PC, a huge, heavy monitor. It was like the whole world opened all its doors for me . I was in awe! My curiosity made me seek whatever came to mind, anything I could think of to look up or investigate and the answers were all there!!

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For years, come to think of it, even before I was married, I have been manipulated and lied to and discarded and demeaned and belittled all in such a way that I believed it to be because I somehow caused this reaction towards me. I was discarded and punished and I was always afraid to ask why the silent treatment because I knew somehow I would get an answer that I did something wrong. It was like being a child all over again.  I just never felt I did anything right. Even though I was feeling that way, there were times that I felt loved and my needs were being attended to by a kindness that I sometimes saw. That’s the problem, it was only sometimes when I saw this kindness and it was usually when it was for something wanted in return or the need to look good in front of others.   I always felt uncomfortable and ashamed. I never understood how to make things right or better. I kept feeling the need to explain myself  in detail….The reason why I said what I said, why I did what I did, why I made what I made, why I bought what I bought…… Nothing I said seemed to sit right and every day was worse than the next. I felt I was losing everything….. My self-esteem, my confidence, MY MIND! I had no idea where to turn or who to talk to thinking that everyone else is looking at me and judging me the same way and I would be wrong in whatever I do or say in their eyes too. I was too embarrassed to speak about it. I lived in fear of always saying something wrong or offensive.

 

About 20 years go by, and I don’t know what made me do it, I pick up my laptop and  I “Google” the question, “Why do I feel like it’s always my fault?” When I pressed the “return” button, the feeling  was exactly like the time when buying our first PC. Once again, the whole world opened doors I never knew existed!  Page after page the words, Emotional abuse, Narcissism, and Psychological Abuse came up.  I could not, and really, would not believe that this was happening to me! ABUSE??? ME???? WHAT??? NO WAY!!! I must have rephrased the question so many different ways but the same articles would show up. I began to plunge in and read article after article. Writing notes  was essential since many of the terminology used were new to me and I wanted to make sure it was befitting for my “research” . I was lucky enough to be able to spend the time I did that day on my laptop reading all these articles and writing notes. That was the day I finally opened my eyes and realized what has been going on with me for so many years. But it took me a lot longer for me to realize that it has been happening since before we were married. Now that I had the knowledge, I had to know more.  Organizing my thoughts from what I read. I still had many unanswered questions. I pursued looking on-line and going to the library for answers. I kept learning and understanding more and more why I felt what I felt and understanding the personality disorder. Knowing what I know today is helping get through what I am going through right now. I try not to have anything that is said or done surprise me anymore. I will write about all that another time.

For almost 10 years I have done nothing but study Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There are so many levels and degrees of this disorder that I would try to pinpoint what I was dealing with as well as which type of abuse I was enduring. One article made me curious about another topic and I started another research. I went on to so many different sites, one better than the next with information that pinpointed my life story to a T!  Made me realize I was not the one who was failing the marriage or relationship. I was the one having the relationship. Well, I was more sad than I was angry.  Everything I was reading was very difficult to read. Knowing I really was not loved. The only kind of love shown was when it was conditional. I had problems believing half of what I was reading. I still could not believe any human being could be cold and calculated and act as though they were the most upstanding citizen in the world! It was like a see-saw in my brain!  But as the years went on, I SAW what I was not seeing and not believing! Reading all that I had read educated me. I never realized how ignorant I was when it came to knowing what people can be like. I began regaining my self-esteem and confidence and it was not welcomed. I had to smile because I had read that it would not be. That’s when  everything  just became worse. I wasn’t accepting anymore excuses, lies, or manipulations. As I regained more of my confidence and self-esteem, the relationship kept dying. I needed to regain my self-control. I became angry all the time! That wasn’t good for me anyway you look at it. It made me sick and it gave way to more demeaning and belittling. So, I looked up how to control my feelings and emotions with abusers. Once again, I was back on track.  I felt good for the first time knowing that I was free from the grip of control! But it doesn’t last long. Somehow, when there is no care for anyone other than self, they just know which buttons to push and when to push them. Cold and calculated. THEY SIMPLY DON’T CARE! There is no other way to say it! They don’t care about anyone, anything, other than themselves. If they get nothing out of it, they want nothing to do with it. Period!

So, I am here to tell you to research what you are dealing with. There are so many ways. Go to the library, use the computer, pick out books. Read and write notes wherever you can.  You will be the only person to know what is important enough to write down. Terminology is vital for what you are dealing with. You will be lead from one book to another or one website to another only by curiosity. Be proactive. It will help with the healing! I promise you! It also will become  easier to tell someone what you are going through who will listen. Don’t go through this alone like I did. If you can’t tell a relative or a friend you can trust and you want to seek a therapist, then seek a therapist. Seeking a therapist is self-help! But PLEASE…. Don’t be afraid to tell someone …. make sure you know exactly how to explain it even if you need to read it right off the website for clarity.Make copies of what you read and bring them where you need to be heard.  It is very important that you understand WHAT is happening to you, HOW it happened to you, and WHY. Without  information, you will not be able to heal. It’s that important!

BE GOOD TO YOU!!

YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! 

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!! 

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!

God Bless You!!