There are lessons to be learned after being in an abusive relationship. You almost want to thank them (not really). But somehow, it changes you. Personally, my experience has made me more angry where it was almost out of control. This sort of anger was being directed at objects (slamming doors, etc.) as well as people, who, I thank God, understood and STILL supported me. I knew being in this state was not at all beneficial to my well-being. I felt more alone than ever. After giving myself enough time to blow off the steam that had been building up for so many years, I knew I had to redirect this anger and use it in a more productive way. Today, the fire still burns inside me but the flames are burning in a new direction. It is giving me the energy needed to continue making a difference I need to make for myself and others.
You Need The Courage To Stand Up To Yourself!
Forgive yourself now! Just because you have been so good to others and have given benefit of doubt, and you’re good-hearted ways have given others chances beyond what you even give yourself, does not mean you now can allow yourself to hate yourself for the rest of your life! Take a step back. See the good in you. Never stop seeing that good in you! That is the first step! Love yourself for who you are! See the real you! Now, give yourself a fresh NEW start, don’t change…. Enhance. It’s now time to set your boundaries!
Be Honest with Yourself
No one likes to be lied to. What’s worse, is when you lie to yourself and we begin to believe our lies because we want to feel better about ourselves. We all do it. This is when insecurities need to be addressed. We are all human and we all have insecurities. Thinking about our insecurities makes us anxious. Yet, in order to break away from them, they need to be addressed, understood, and accepted. Don’t be ashamed of them! STOP self-judging! The only way to push past these insecurities is to stop being afraid. Fear is what holds us back from being confident and in control. Confront your fears and work on the insecurities that hold you back. You can do it! You know how! Remember, You are in control of YOU!!
Stop Comparing Yourself To Others
That’s just torture! You are who YOU are! No one else can be you! Stop thinking you are not as smart, or as competent, or as capable! YOU ARE smart! YOU ARE competent! YOU ARE capable!!! Let me tell you something, I am always finding myself with people who are always tooting their own horn. You know, the kind that says, “I’m the head of the department AND everyone is afraid of me, HA-HA-HA“. That kind. I know WAY TOO many! OH PLEASE! I often don’t like to be with people who do that because my OWN self-esteem does not allow me to feel comfortable with how much more confident I think they are than I! But guess what I realized after being with them for so many years? I saw that it was a pattern for them! It was a constant reassurance for their own sake of how they are perceived through the eyes of others. It is a temporary fix to make themselves feel better about themselves. They struggle with their own self-esteem! Imagine that! Don’t be fooled by the way others overwhelm conversations with their “greatness”. You can listen, smile, and remember you are just as great without worrying about having to tell the entire world because you have your modesty not have to flaunt what others feel they need to. That is Confidence!
Confidence Comes From Within
I always say, I want to live a very simple life. Sounds boring and basic… but it is basic I would like to return to. This is where I will find myself again. Connect my mind with my soul and become one with myself. There is a certain amount of self-discipline and modesty in us that gives us the confidence. As long as we are honest and loyal with ourselves and others, it shows the integrity in us. Once you are honest with yourself, it becomes easier to be honest with others. Assertiveness comes from believing in honesty, humility and loyalty first to yourself and then others.
Be Respectful To Yourself
Kindness, compassion, caring, courtesy, and love. If we can do all this for others we can for ourselves as well. We need inner peace. Fully accepting ourselves and forgiving ourselves has us become one with ourselves again. Committing ourselves to making sure we don’t think poorly of ourselves. Self judgement causes pain and sometimes unexplained anger. We need to love and accept everything about ourselves, UNCONDITIONALLY! When we have self-love we have everything. Give yourself the chance like you give others the chance. You deserve it more than anyone does!
Have a Relationship With Yourself
Enjoy your own company by doing the things YOU like doing. Put your whole self into everything you like doing. Remember how good it feels to be doing the things you love and feel comfortable doing. Be as prideful, imaginative, and creative as you want to be. This is how to learn who you are, and to love yourself for who you are. Plan a full day or more a week and dedicate it to you. You first need to understand what makes you such a great person to be with. No one should ever feel the need to convince others how great they are. They should automatically see it. The only anyone sees it is if YOU see it first.
Never Lose Sight Of Your Boundaries
We form relationships everyday. It’s important that we do. Without relationships, it would be hard to survive. It’s the kind of relationships that get formed that we become wary of. After being in an abusive relationship, we tend to stop trusting everyone. That’s why we need to set boundaries for ourselves. What is on your “Violation List” you put together and have scotched taped on your walls? OH! You haven’t put one together yet? Well, you better get started then! Perhaps your sentences should start like this, “I will not tolerate…” or “My time is too precious to be spent on…” Make your boundaries clear to yourself even if you need to study them like you are studying them for an exam. having them in plain sight is not a bad idea. The reinforcement helps you never to lose sight of your boundaries. It is also important to write a list of the Important Qualities you seek in relationships. This is where it gets tricky except, I am using the word IMPORTANT. I think the most important quality in any person is CONSISTENCY . Consistency is the key word. They need to be Consistently respectful… kind… patient… caring…courteous… forgiving… responsible… loyal…generous… helpful… honest.
Even though this all feels so difficult and emotionally draining, and I admit, it is, it’s easier to go through than the abuse that you had to endure for so long. Once you get started on stepping on one of the stones, you can’t help but step on the ones that follow.